Friday, April 22, 2016

Comic George Carlin Linked to Dirty-Word Ouija Boards

Malfunctioning Ouija boards that only spell out dirty words have been linked to comedian George Carlin, who Passed Over in 2008.
Seven Dirty Words, Carlin’s most famous routine, first came to prominence on his 1972 comedy album Class Clown. The seven words were vulgarities that could not be uttered on television. To this day, use of the terms  s***, P***, f***, c***, c*********, m************ and t*** is frowned upon by mainstream publications and august journals,  which is why this will be an asterisk heavy report.
Approximately 10,000 faulty Ouija Boards, manufactured in China, have been recalled.
Deceased nightclub booker Syd Rose, who has represented Mr. Carlin for the past two years, told me, “My client George Carlin regrets this unfortunate incident. These products were intended for the adults-only market.  Similar in nature to the bawdy party records of the 50s and 60s featuring such talents as Moms Mabley, Redd Foxx, Rusty “Knockers Up” Warren and other comic luminaries, these Party Ouija Boards were meant to kept under lock and key in the liquor cabinet.
“After the kids were in bed, the devices were to be dragged out by the host or hostess and placed on the coffee table where they would reply to partiers’ questions by spelling out one or more of the seven dirty words. Here are some examples:
     Q. What will my future husband look like?
     A. S***.
     Q. What’s that dark spot on my boyfriend’s pants?
     A. P***.
     Q. What’s my favorite candy?
     A. C*********.
I interrupted Syd Rose. “I get the point.”
“But you haven’t heard the best ones.”
“I’ll pass.”
“F*** you.”
“I’m a psychiatrist, not a drunk Shriner. This product stinks. As far as I’m concerned, George Carlin should be happy these Party Ouija Boards are being recalled. They’re beneath his dignity.”
“Whose the comedy expert here, you c******** egghead f*****? I’m gonna take your diplomas off the wall, roll ‘em up, dip ‘em in bacon grease and shove ‘em up your a**.”
“Go ahead and try, you d*** licking, goat f******, son of a c****.”
“You dried up old p****-faced, bag of **** and **** stirred together and chopped up with ****** and ******.
Professional decorum and the fact that my asterisk key just broke requires me to end the transcript at this point.
It is my sincere hope that the reputation of George Carlin is not permanently sullied by this snafu.
As far as Syd Rose is concerned, he can %### in a $#@# and top it off with %^&&$.
posted by Abraham Tribesky