Friday, April 22, 2016

Comic George Carlin Linked to Dirty-Word Ouija Boards

Malfunctioning Ouija boards that only spell out dirty words have been linked to comedian George Carlin, who Passed Over in 2008.
Seven Dirty Words, Carlin’s most famous routine, first came to prominence on his 1972 comedy album Class Clown. The seven words were vulgarities that could not be uttered on television. To this day, use of the terms  s***, P***, f***, c***, c*********, m************ and t*** is frowned upon by mainstream publications and august journals,  which is why this will be an asterisk heavy report.
Approximately 10,000 faulty Ouija Boards, manufactured in China, have been recalled.
Deceased nightclub booker Syd Rose, who has represented Mr. Carlin for the past two years, told me, “My client George Carlin regrets this unfortunate incident. These products were intended for the adults-only market.  Similar in nature to the bawdy party records of the 50s and 60s featuring such talents as Moms Mabley, Redd Foxx, Rusty “Knockers Up” Warren and other comic luminaries, these Party Ouija Boards were meant to kept under lock and key in the liquor cabinet.
“After the kids were in bed, the devices were to be dragged out by the host or hostess and placed on the coffee table where they would reply to partiers’ questions by spelling out one or more of the seven dirty words. Here are some examples:
     Q. What will my future husband look like?
     A. S***.
     Q. What’s that dark spot on my boyfriend’s pants?
     A. P***.
     Q. What’s my favorite candy?
     A. C*********.
I interrupted Syd Rose. “I get the point.”
“But you haven’t heard the best ones.”
“I’ll pass.”
“F*** you.”
“I’m a psychiatrist, not a drunk Shriner. This product stinks. As far as I’m concerned, George Carlin should be happy these Party Ouija Boards are being recalled. They’re beneath his dignity.”
“Whose the comedy expert here, you c******** egghead f*****? I’m gonna take your diplomas off the wall, roll ‘em up, dip ‘em in bacon grease and shove ‘em up your a**.”
“Go ahead and try, you d*** licking, goat f******, son of a c****.”
“You dried up old p****-faced, bag of **** and **** stirred together and chopped up with ****** and ******.
Professional decorum and the fact that my asterisk key just broke requires me to end the transcript at this point.
It is my sincere hope that the reputation of George Carlin is not permanently sullied by this snafu.
As far as Syd Rose is concerned, he can %### in a $#@# and top it off with %^&&$.
posted by Abraham Tribesky

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Lawyer is Still Trick or Treating at Age 45.

 I have a sweet tooth the size of Alaska. That’s why when Halloween rolls around I break out the shopping bags and go begging.
     Some people may say I suffer from a case of arrested development, but where on the law books is there a statute of limitations on trick-or-treating? I should know—I’m a lawyer.
     At forty-five, it’s not easy to pretend I’m a kid. I’m five-ten and two hundred-plus pounds. In addition, I have the beginnings of a bald spot on the top of my head and a case of five o’clock shadow that’s impossible to disguise.

        Discover dozens more funny true secrets just like this one in Wild Sex Wrecked Our Home: Regular People, Irregular Secrets.  Available on Kindle for $2.99.

     But I’m nothing if not ingenious. Last year I taped wrapping paper and ribbon around some cardboard boxes and went as a stack of Christmas presents. All you could see of me were my baby blues through the eye holes. The optical illusion created by my arrangement of presents made it impossible to figure out my true height. I netted thirty pounds of candy after tossing out the fruit and related junk.
     One advantage of trick-or-treating at my age is that I have a longer stride and can cover more ground than the typical nine-year-old. Plus I keep an up-to-date database on the best and worst neighborhoods for candy that includes the number of lit and unlit porch lights, pumpkin sizes, types of treats and so on. Each year, I eliminate homes that have been declining in two or more categories and upload the results to my computer.
     I couldn’t pull off a successful night of begging without it. For instance, there’s a rich financier a few blocks away who always has full-size Hershey Bars. Consulting my computer before going out, I’m reminded that the financier’s maid and butler alternate at the door. Knowing this allows me to hit the house twice, if I time it right.
     As far as getting caught, the closest I ever came was three years ago at my parents’ house. My mother seemed to recognize my voice when I yelled “trick-or-treat!” But she’s elderly, so I just grabbed and ran before she could put it all together. Boy, were my underarms wet.

     But the best part of Halloween for me is the rest of the year. I can’t tell you how satisfying it is to offer a client candy from the Wedgwood jar on my desk, then pop some into my own mouth. With only me knowing my Halloween secret.   

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Binge Drinking College Students Are Happier, Finds Sociologist.

Daniel Fowler, (202) 527-7885, (914) 450-4557 (cell),
On-site Press Room (Aug. 17-20):
Colorado Convention Center, Mezzanine A, (303) 228-8350
EMBARGOED until Monday, August 20, at 12:01 a.m. EDT
Binge Drinking College Students Are Happier Than Their Non-Binge Drinking Peers
ENVER — Why do some colleges have persistently high levels of binge drinking? It may be because, at these
schools, binge drinking is associated with high status and binge drinkers are happier with their college social
experience than their non-binge drinking peers, suggests new research to be presented at the 107th Annual
Meeting of the American Sociological Association.
“Binge drinking is a symbolic proxy for high status in college,” said Carolyn L. Hsu, co-author of the study and an
associate professor of sociology at Colgate University. “It's what the most powerful, wealthy, and happy students
on campus do. This may explain why it's such a desirable activity. When lower status students binge drink, they
may be trying to tap into the benefits and the social satisfaction that those kids from high status groups enjoy.
And, our findings seem to indicate that, to some extent, they succeed.”
According to the study, students from higher status groups (i.e., wealthy, male, white, heterosexual, and Greek
affiliated undergraduates) were consistently happier with their college social experience than their peers from
lower status groups (i.e., less wealthy; female; non-white; Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning
(LGBTQ); and non-Greek affiliated undergraduates).
In addition, students from higher status groups were more likely than their peers from lower status groups to binge
drink. “Students, who are considered more socially powerful, drink more,” said Hsu, who co-authored the study
with Landon Reid, a former faculty member at Colgate who is now attending law school at NYU. “Binge drinking
then becomes associated with high status and the ‘cool’ students on campus.”
However, the study found that when students from lower status groups engaged in binge drinking, their social
satisfaction was higher than that of their non-binge drinking peers from lower status groups and more similar to
the levels of their higher status classmates, including binge drinkers and non-binge drinkers. Hsu said binge
drinking tended to attenuate the negative effects of being from a low status group on students’ college social
Conversely, white, wealthy, Greek affiliated, heterosexual, and male students who did not binge drink, were less
happy with their social lives than students from those groups that did binge drink.
“Among all groups, we found that binge drinking and social satisfaction were strongly connected,” Hsu said.
The study relied on a survey of nearly 1,600 undergraduates attending a selective Northeastern residential liberal
arts college in 2009.
“Drinking culture is campus specific,” Hsu said. “But, our results suggest that binge drinking and social satisfaction
may also be very much associated at similar predominately white colleges with high binge drinking rates, a large
Greek presence, and a residential campus.”
Binge drinking is defined as consuming at least four drinks for women and five drinks for men in a single drinking
session. Binge drinkers have this kind of drinking session at least once every 14 days on average. In this study,
the average binge drinker drank 13.7 drinks per week, while the average non-binge drinker consumed 4.2 drinks
per week. The authors assessed social satisfaction using survey questions that asked students to evaluate their
overall social experience on campus.
Additionally, the authors categorized high status groups and low status groups based on previous literature
regarding low graduation rates, peer discrimination, and hostile campus environments.
– more –
For example, according to the authors, LGBTQ students commonly found their campuses to be unwelcoming;
women, who often enjoy more collegiate academic success than men, were more likely than their male peers to
experience prejudice and sexual harassment outside of the classroom; and minority students, particularly at
predominately white schools, tended to have lower graduation rates and faced increased incidents of
discrimination on campus.
The authors found that while binge drinking increased social satisfaction for students from a range of lower status
groups, the positive effects of binge drinking on social satisfaction were particularly strong for low income, non-
Greek affiliated, and female students. LGBTQ and minority binge drinking students enjoyed increased social
satisfaction in college, but were not as socially satisfied as their binge drinking peers from higher and other lower
status groups.
“Minority students and members of the LGBTQ community, more than other low status students, often face
discrimination and struggle with their sense of belonging on predominately white, heterosexual campuses,” Hsu
said. “This may be lessening the potential ameliorating impact of binge drinking on low status.”
Nevertheless, the authors found that across race, socioeconomic status, gender, sexuality, and Greek or non-
Greek affiliation, the connection between binge drinking and satisfaction with the college social experience,
remained consistent. “Students in all groups consistently liked college more when they participated in the
campuses’ binge drinking culture,” Hsu said.
Students were motivated to binge drink as a way of fitting in, according to Hsu. In the open comments part of the
survey, many students wrote that they did not want to binge drink, but felt that it was the only socially acceptable
thing to do for fun.
Interestingly, the researchers did not find evidence that unhappy students were binge drinking to self medicate.
Instead, the students in the sample with the most stress, anxiety, and experiences with discrimination or sexual
abuse, were the least likely to drink. “It’s the kids who say everything is great who drink the most,” Hsu said.
The authors found that students saw binge drinking as a logical means to adapt, survive, and seek out the most
favorable life while in college. “Low status students in particular seem to be using binge drinking as a vehicle for
social mobility and as a way to contend with an otherwise hostile social environment,” Hsu said.
According to the authors, despite binge drinking’s potential positive social effects, binge drinking students were
not exempt from the negative interpersonal and health outcomes associated with heavy alcohol consumption.
“It’s not that binge drinking is the solution to complex social problems,” Hsu said. “Rather, it is our hope that when
universities and public health professionals design alcohol related programs for students, they take into account
the full range and important social motivations underlying student binge drinking.”
About the American Sociological Association
The American Sociological Association (, founded in 1905, is a non-profit membership
association dedicated to serving sociologists in their work, advancing sociology as a science and profession, and
promoting the contributions to and use of sociology by society.
The paper, “Social Status, Binge Drinking, and Social Satisfaction among College Students,” will be presented on
Monday, Aug. 20, at 2:30 p.m. MDT in Denver, Colorado, at the American Sociological Association’s 107th

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Obamacare Covers Exorcisms, Activist Claims

Dear Dr. Tribesky:

It is your business and the business of every American to be outraged over the small print in the Obamacare health plan--that allows exorcisms to be paid lock, stock and barrel for with public funds.

That means the taxes I and you pay, along with the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker are going towards a religious solution of a medical malady.

Why is it that only religious people need to be exorcised, anyway? If Almighty God is on their side, why is the Devil able to make them bust moves like break dancers with bed bugs?

Paying for exorcisms with public funds is one more instance of Obama caving to the religious right.

No wonder Chief Justice Roberts liked what he saw!

All best,

Alabama Atheist (yes, there are some)

BTW: On behalf of the atheist community, thanks for the provocative insights of Michael Jackson is Being Harassed in Heaven.

Dear Alabama Atheist:

Using a high-powered microscope, I have been unable to find the small print you mention. However, I'll keep looking.

Dr. Abraham Tribesky
Psychiatrist to Deceased Hollywood Stars
Author of Michael Jackson is Being Harassed in Heaven ($2.99 exclusively on Kindle)

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Michael Jackson is Being Harassed in Heaven.

Dead celebrities are just as f***ed up in the Afterlife as they are on Earth.

So says Dr. Abraham Tribesky, 95-year-old psychiatrist to deceased Hollywood stars.

His shocking e-book Michael Jackson is Being Harassed in Heaven is now available on Kindle or NOOK for $2.99

Michael…exposes the tabloid-worthy lifestyles and outrageous opinions of Dr. Tribesky’s famous patients from the Other Side. Not to mention how these egocentric spirits hassle living celebs and ordinary folks alike. In dozens of shocking stories like:

*Lady Gaga’s CDs Torched in Rock ‘n Roll Heaven.

*Hip-Hop DJ Decapitates Fan with Flying Vinyl (Was Biggie to Blame?)

*Same Ghost Appears in 20 Episodes of Paranormal State!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Celebs are Dying to Get in This Book.

Dead celebrities are just as f***ed up in the Afterlife as they are on Earth.

So says Dr. Abraham Tribesky, 95-year-old psychiatrist to deceased Hollywood stars.

His shocking e-book Michael Jackson Is Being Harassed In Heaven is now available on Kindle for $2.99.**

Michael…exposes the tabloid-worthy lifestyles and outrageous opinions of Dr. Tribesky’s famous patients from the Other Side. Not to mention how these egocentric spirits hassle living celebs and ordinary folks alike. In dozens of shocking stories like:

*Lady Gaga’s CDs Torched in Rock ‘n Roll Heaven.

*Karen Carpenter Blasts Brittany Murphy: “No Fatties Allowed on the Other Side!”

*Sinatra’s Frank Advice for Justin Bieber.

*Same Ghost Appears in 20 Episodes of Paranormal State!

*DJ Decapitates Fan with Flying Vinyl.

Friday, March 2, 2012

KeSha's Singing Can Scare You to Death, Say Israeli Scientists.

Researchers at Tel Aviv University in Israel have determined that an unexpected sound, like a gunshot or the autotuned howl of U.S. pop star KeSha can cause some people to suffer a paralyzing or even deadly stroke.

The sudden shift in body position that is a typical response to a frightening event--such as listening to Tik Tok--can trigger a dramatic change in blood flow that may ignite a killer stroke in humans above the age of twelve.

As one researcher told me after the project's completion, "KeSha's music is a worldwide health risk. Hopefully, she will never be heard from again."

Abraham Tribesky
Psychiatrist to Deceased Hollwood Stars
Author: Michael Jackson is Being Harassed in Heaven ($2.99 exclusively on Kindle)